Tyranny of the Upward Graph: A Structured Rant
I.
Life begins slowly.
You are incapable
even of feeding
or cleaning yourself.
Everyone
is superior to you.
More powerful.
You exist, almost,
by their permission.
You grow up,
gradually, more and more
capable and powerful.
One day,
the world belongs to you.
And then,
you start going down again.
Everyone has more real power than you.
If you are lucky,
you avoid the ignominy, of once again,
existing, by others' permission.
You, again, incapable
even of feeding or cleaning yourself.
Life ends slowly.
-
II.
As you were on the way up,
you had your mother.
Once a physical part of her,
you were intimately connected to her.
But gradually, you went away.
Farther and farther.
Then came a day
you stopped belonging to her;
in order to belong to another.
Yet the other
never knew you
as their own physical being,
and though you enjoyed more with them,
you didn't ever become, really,
their egg,
or a resident of their womb.
Or share blood.
Or, really,
feed upon their milk.
This other,
could never love you, as your mother.
This other,
could never be there,
really in the same measure,
when will come another time,
for you to exist
by another's permission.
This other
would always, merely be an option.
And you,
an option for the other.
This other,
could never be your mother.
-
III.
So, you see,
here is my predicament:
I have been your other.
And I wish to be there,
for you, forever.
And, perhaps,
be your,
or have you, as my,
final permittor.
Yet, I will never know you
as close as I wish to know you.
I can never be your mother.
And even if I could,
I wouldn't choose that ever.
Because though, initially,
I would have you
as a physical part of me,
it will then, necessarily,
degenerate to merely intimate.
And finally, neither.
And as your other,
I know you have other others
in your past and definitely,
in your dreams.
So, I can neither be
your mother, nor your other,
who will have the honour of being
your final permittor.
And not just because
you would not permit it.
It will be so, as
I would not permit it.
Why? Because, I would,
I COULD
never have YOU
on a declining graph.
Neither, as a receding part of me.
Nor,
declining as the owner of the world,
which I have always known you to be.
Even when you were not.
-
IV.
So,
if decline is a must,
then be on your way,
now.
Right now,
please.
For I have this great weakness:
I am the unemancipable
slave of the Upward Graph.
-
V.
I have the shittiest of fits in life:
despite loving you more than my own life,
I seem destined
to lose you before my life.
Which, incidentally,
I have had enough of.
-
VI.
Unless...
...unless YOU WISH
to be MY final permittor.
So,
either choose to ride
my final horrible downward slide with me.
Or leave.
And it is not for me,
or within my power,
to invite you on that journey.
Or even,
to leave you.
It is for you to decide.
What I know for sure is this:
I WILL NEVER see you slide.
Or force you to see me slide.
I am far too programmed
to live for the upward graph!
So, damn you,
Decide.
And decide,
what I WANT you to decide!
-
VII.
I wish
this golden age of liberalism,
which is drawing to a close now,
had granted me enough rights
to end my life,
conveniently and comfortably,
when I saw fit.
Before the inevitable slide.
If that were so,
we could have truly belonged to each-other.
And when done,
at least I,
could simply cease to be.
Before I declined.
Or you did.
Or, please, no,
our love did.
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